I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree