Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Close call…
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top