I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Tier 3 meme
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one