Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
What the dentist sees
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”