If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
United Steaks of America
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman