HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You Might Also Like
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible