40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.