wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Does it…does it take 3 days
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”