Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”