where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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consequences, the bane of my existence
🔦🌙👣
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.