People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Every damn time
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos