Monica just destroyed the internet
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line