You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My new favorite headline
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.