It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”