everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.