Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
🙀🙀🙀😹
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.