Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
#dnd #ttrpg
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
lmfao
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god