TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love themđ
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I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: itâs a mild fish.
Me: so itâs mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, sheâs always like this.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I donât think itâs that kind of book
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isnât as flammable as the last one- please?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
my mom taught me to say ânot my circus, not my monkeysâ when some crazy shit someone was doing wasnât my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit itâs tough. bc Iâm like thatâs not my circus⌠but thatâs MY monkey
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My 5yo âcleanedâ the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If thatâs not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I donât know what is.
My son told me thereâs a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & itâs probably him
âGive a man a fish. Donât ask why just do it.â
— if your boss wrote proverbs
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus