I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
anyone else like Italian cereal
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
dads on road-trips be like
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.