The Compass
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”