Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*