Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
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I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
No, I don’t think I will.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic