getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun