At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
the noise i just made
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.