No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.