Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.