People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My god she’s good.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️