We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’d … I’d rather not.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️