*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.