The Joker was right
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
kids play hide and seek like
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The news
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
We have a winner.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem