Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.