I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
sir, my pâté if you please
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Life hack
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”