To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔