Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
cause of death:
autopsy.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?