*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them