*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Effort made
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.