The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
How to woo a woman
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.