When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m not wrong
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd