I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers