#StillHurts
You Might Also Like
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.