I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing