I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”