The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.