*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?