[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!