Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “