eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.