I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.