Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
You Might Also Like
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck