saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
🤣could you imagine
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Seems a bit forward
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I would like even faster food.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy